It has now been over a month since I submitted my Phd, during which time I have experimented with “normal life.” I have gone to the pub with mates to watch football. I read an incredibly trashy book- High on Arrival by MacKenzie Phillips, yes, the one in which she confesses to having had sex with her own father. I have even experimented with cooking different types of cuisine, using my hungry flatmate as my chief guinea pig. He hasn’t died yet, so I guess I cant be THAT bad. I have rearranged the items in my flat.
I have also contemplated on how much I hate my job and will never succeed in becoming a “normal person” if I use that environment as my yardstick of normalcy. I go through the motions of behaving like my colleagues: I dress like them, I can speak like them, I can shout nasty things on conference calls and throw temper tantrums just as they do….but I am only acting. I will never actually turn into one of them. It would probably be better for me if I could- I would be headed down a safe road of financial success and security. But I would feel like I was spending my entire life (about 14 hours a day!) in the theatre, acting out a role I didn’t even like. I look at myself in the mirror of the office bathroom and I see myself wearing a costume, dressed up as a TV character in some office-based sitcom. I have spent 1.5 years trying to convince myself that I could do it. Over the past 6 months, I have seen my income rise higher than I ever thought it would….but even that didn’t make me believe in my new character. In quite moments with no few people around (which normally occurred at about 6 am) I would revert to myself, and write blog entries in outlook (pretending they were Very Important Emails), or even sneak peaks at flickr. Those moments were little gasps of freedom, and clear indications that I had not merged myself with my theatrical executive role. Someone would pass by my cubicle and I would deliberately snap back into action, barking orders down the phone line, demanding a form be faxed back to me RIGHT NOW and so on. As soon as the person was out of earshot, I would revert to myself again, pondering useless historical trivia and so on. Other than making good money, it has all become a fairly useless exercise.
So when I get offered a promotion and a transfer to Paris, I refuse. I couldn’t imagine anything more horrid. The thought of continuing with this charade, and even moving country permanently whilst in costume disgusts me. So I refuse.
I will never be "normal" if judged by these people, and i dont want to be. rather than seeking normalcy, i think i might just try switching paradigms, with hopefully improved results.
